The archaeology of ourselves
Plus our Bach Obbligatos livestreamed from Japan
Over the past few weeks I’ve been touched by the support I’ve received from friends, colleagues, students, and even readers of this newsletter who had (to my surprise) wondered where I’d disappeared to. The answer to that question—as it frequently has been in the past 18 months—is the far south of Western Australia, a journey so long that, if you live Europe as I do, you lose days of your life just getting there.
I’d gone back one last time to clear my late mother’s house for sale. As I worked through this daunting task, I was really struck by the kindness and empathy I received from those around me. I guess many of us are at an age where we have some experience of this emotional process. The sorting forces you to confront your own memories and history with an immediacy that is even more apparent than in the initial stage of loss.
Mum kept everything. Not in a hoarder-y way; she had a beautiful home. But every milestone, from school reports and ballet certificates to divorce papers and doctoral drafts was filed away in cupboards full of boxes. I found poetry by Elisabeth Parry age 6, and I have to say, with all due modesty, that my early writings showed more promise than my drawing.
I also found competition awards, exam certificates, prize letters, graduation booklets, concert tickets, programmes, reviews and newspaper clippings for every achievement of my musical life.
One of the consequences of moving house and country many times is that I have always thrown things away. But apparently mum didn’t, and it stopped me in my tracks. I’d forgotten so many of the things I’d done—but more importantly, I didn’t realise she had even noticed them. Mum was of a generation, I suppose, that didn’t say too much. You certainly wouldn’t want to be getting above yourself. So I never knew that she was proud of me, and that revelation has really given me pause for thought.
I thought about how often I see my adult students allow their musical expression to be undermined by self-esteem issues and how the ability to be truly present in the music can be so easily blocked by that. Inside your head are voices from the past still telling you “you’ll embarrass me if you mess up” or “why can’t you get that right?” or “don’t show off”?
Some of us persevere anyway, playing on and hiding the scars that have been so casually inflicted by parents or teachers. Others bravely answer their inner calling later in life, returning to the joy of creativity and music-making in spite of those voices. Some never do. Perhaps we’re all damaged in one way or another.
But what my mother’s secret archive showed me was that it’s the way we internalise and hang on to those old messages that really hurts us. After all, we were children. Maybe we didn’t understand what was being said, maybe they didn’t mean it that way, maybe secretly they were so proud of you but their own scars rendered them incapable of sharing that simple validation. Careless words tell you more about the speaker than yourself. Life is complicated, but in the end we are all the authors of our own story. Growing into that understanding allows us to let go of our inner critic and finally open up to create with authenticity and confidence.
Bach Obbligatos livestream from Japan
While I was away, I was delighted to watch a livestream concert from Tokyo by Powell artist Rie Shimizu who was performing some of our arrangements of Bach flute obbligatos. Rie has kindly allowed me to share her performance of Domine Deus from our NFA award-winning publication of Bach Flute Obbligatos vol. 1.
As a special bonus in this newsletter, I’m including the flute part for you to play as well as a backing track recorded by John Alley. The printed and digital editions include the piano score. Recorded harpsichord tracks at A415 are also available for traverso players.
J.S. Bach Flute Obbligatos vol. 1, arr. and ed. Elisabeth Parry and John Alley (Aurea Capra Editions) is available from music retailers worldwide and in new digital format, including free backing tracks, through the link below.
Domine deus flute score
Domine deus backing track
I hope you enjoy it.
Elisabeth
I for one was wondering where you had gone....or whether it was me who had been crossed off the list for some misdeed. What an interesting glimpse into your childhood and youth. Despite all my living in so many different places I have kept a whole archive of letters (mostly all the ones my mother ever wrote to me over 60 years), school reports (not just my own), and all kinds of documents (including such things asmy father's Eritrean driving licence from 1942). The time has now come to use all this material from the past in an autobiographical account....By the way I'd like to change the picture on my profile but whatever I do the picture keeps reverting back. P. S. The musical arrangement is a heavenly treat.